I like this quote that I found on my sister-in-law Marivic's facebook page today. Thanks for sharing Vic."We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.” Paulo Coelho (author, Brazil)
This week is one of great significance in our family. Saturday, September 17, will be the twentieth anniversary of Ashleigh's death. Twenty years seems like such a long time. It is a long time. I remember in April of 1991, shortly after we knew that Ashleigh's tumor had come back (it never went away, it really had only shrunk after radiation therapy, but I have always referred to it as "coming back", so I will continue to do so) our Bishop came to visit us one evening (we loved our Bishop, and so did Ashleigh, she once told me, "the Bishop is cute"). We were unaware at the time that the Bishop was soon to be released, so I think he came to check on us "one last time" before that happened. He spoke comforting words to us, and taught the gospel that night in reference to eternal life and eternal families. As I held Ashleigh in my arms, I remember looking at him and saying, "I understand and believe everything that you are saying Bishop... but I need to know how I'm going to make it through the next fifty years?"
So here I am, twenty years into my fifty, and what have I done? Well... I've lived. In the beginning it was often day to day survival, sometimes minute to minute. At times the grief was so suffocatingly, indescribable, it really was like a bad roller coaster ride of emotions. Have you ever buried your face so deep into your pillow and wailed; wailed so loudly that you wondered if your neighbors could hear you? I have. Eventually you don't do that anymore, and you're not really sure when you stopped... you just did. Although I've hurt so deeply, and cried more tears than I ever thought one persons tear ducts could hold, I've never questioned for a moment the eternal plan of a loving Father in Heaven. I acknowledge that I have been very blessed in my life, even through my trials. I remember a day not long before Ashleigh died, I was in my living room looking out of my front window, watching; life seemed to be going on all around me, and yet, at that moment I didn't feel like I was a part of it, my life felt as though it was in limbo. But even in that moment, I knew there were people whose trials were worse than mine. I thought of a mother, somewhere in the world, who was perhaps going through the same experience as I was, without the knowledge of eternal life and eternal families. I've tried (sometimes harder than at other times) to do and be my very best. I've watched my boys grow up, serve missions, get married and have their own children. I've been blessed with another daughter who has truly been a gift to our family. The statistics of marriages ending in divorce after the death of a child are shockingly high. I'm so grateful for Michael... I can't even imagine going through this experience without him by my side, he's the only other person in this world who can know and feel the way I do about our loss. I am very blessed.
So I will continue on in my "fifty" years. I will someday have a joyous reunion with Ashleigh, I can't even comprehend the joy... the thought is overwhelming. Although I look forward to it... I'm not in any rush, life is good to me and I have people here that I love just as much. I hope she is proud of me... I know that I am so proud of her.
