I'm Trying To Be Like Jesus

This picture was taken at my parents home on Thanksgiving Day 1990. This is less than one month after Ashleigh completed radiation therapy. She is a happy and normal three-year-old. Every symptom she had, with the exception of her eye turning in, had completely disappeared at this point. This is the picture that I refer to in this post.

The primary program has always been one of my favorite sacrament meetings of the year. I love seeing so many children standing at the front of the chapel, singing and saying their parts for the ward members, their parents, and of course visiting grandparents. It is especially enjoyable to watch the little three-year-old sunbeams, they are usually more concerned with being able to see their moms and dads, and waving at them, than participating in what is going on. The primary program can definitely touch my heart as well as my funny bone.

Each January when the new primary year begins, it is always a bonus when there is a three-year-old in the family ready to start going to the sunbeam class. In January of 1991 Ashleigh was our new sunbeam. Unfortunately, primary didn't really work out for Ashleigh. I remember we often had to go sit with her in her class, and if she went to class without us, sometimes a member of the primary presidency would end up bringing her to us.

One Sunday her teacher called and asked if Ashleigh could bring a picture of her daddy to class. We found a picture of the two of them, which Ashleigh lovingly held in her hand as she went to class that day. I was so happy that she was cooperating, until a short time later when we were summoned from our class. Ashleigh was crying and unhappy and wanted us, but even after she had us... she continued to be upset. We didn't realize what she wanted until she cried, "my picture"; they had brought her to us and forgotten to give her back her picture.

The primary program in 1991 was within just a few weeks of Ashleigh's death. It was a hard Sunday for me. The "year of firsts" is commonly known as; first birthday, first Christmas, first family vacation... the first "everything" without your loved one with you. The primary program was one of those days; not only was it a "first", but it was "in my face" right in front of me. There were all of the children in the ward... except Ashleigh. There were all of her little sunbeam friends... except Ashleigh. The song that the children had learned that year was "I'm Trying to be Like Jesus". It is a beautiful song, and we had sung it in our home often throughout the year, hearing the children sing it on that day was so difficult. It was without a doubt, a hard, hard Sunday, and by the time I returned home from church, I was pretty distraught.

I really only remember that I went into Ashleigh's room, shut the door, and collapsed on her bed. I sobbed into her pillow, I probably fell asleep for a while, and I sobbed some more. I remember hearing our home teacher arrive, but I stayed in the bedroom. I couldn't hear the conversation, just the low hum of voices in the other room. I spent several hours lying on Ashleigh's bed before finally coming out. It was a difficult day... there were many others ahead. But when I came out of Ashleigh's room that Sunday night I moved forward, it was very, very hard at times... but always forward.

This morning I attended my grandson Mason's primary program... he is a sunbeam. My heart swelled, and I know that I had the biggest grin on my face as I watched him singing the songs, and especially when he said his part so clearly and perfectly. I admit, I shed a tiny tear as he sang "I'm trying to be like Jesus, I'm following in his way..." but it was a tiny tear of joy... for that handsome sunbeam boy, my boys little boy; and for the reminder, that I'm trying to be like Jesus... too.